Some Indie-electronic playlist I'm listening to atm.

I never thought I'd be here again since I got onto Dayre; a micro-blogging app that is unfortunately, available on mobile only, and also may not be supported by the older versions of smart phones like the HTC Desire I am currently using, after my Samsung S4, experienced a rather chronic fall. Dayre has been a convenience to me so I've been posting my little daily rants there like sixty percent of the time.

It's is Sunday today; a very mundane one I must say. If you have read my previous posts before, I am now officially together with Najib for about four months after courting for half a year. Never thought things would finally work out for us after all the trouble and heartache we've gone through. This coming 15 July would mark our first year of knowing each other and our second Ramadhan together. Things are doing good now, better than before and I have met a fraction of his family and his friends. So, yeah Alhamdulillah I feel quite thankful for these improvements.

Up till today, my life has been a series of mostly, fortunate events. As you already know, Najib and I got together. The other good news is that I am no longer working in Dorothy Perkins, although I love the job, the environment and my lovely colleagues most of whom I have bonded so well with. I miss them definitely. Okay, I landed myself a job as School Programme Executive in one of the schools close within my residential area to my advantage. I am adapting to the school environment well; a little slow but progressive. The pay is definitely better but somehow I miss working in retail, mainly because of the less formal and more fun environment, and all that music, the goofing around and whatnot's.

Truly, I just want to rant and complain right now. I've been at home all day and 80% of the time, I've been hoping for him to ring my phone and ask me out like the previous weekends. All that hoping, however turns to disappointment because my boyfriend remains really quiet today.No text or phone calls until I decided to ring him and found out that he went to watch yet another floor ball match for the 4th time consecutively since Wednesday. I accompanied him on both Wednesday and Thursday, and the rest of the days he went with his friends. I was really hoping to spent time with him today. Go to the park, enjoy the nature and have a picnic together; one of my simplest wishes he has not fulfilled since I last told him about it a month ago. And we hadn't had a decent conversation for the past two days. Sigh. I miss you lah! Donkey betul!

It's been 2 weeks since we broke off and I swear everything that I felt for you remains unchanged. You told me your reasons which seems pretty legit (but i believe they were more likely excuses). You wanted me to let go and move on and so I did. At least, I tried. I don't have any other choice but to do the same. All I wanted was for you to stay. For us to remain 'together'. I love you, even with all your flaws because deep inside, I believe people can change. I believe if I stayed with you throughout the good and bad, you would've stayed too. But things don't always go my way and I have to accept that.

I am a girl and I do what every other girl would do. I confide in my best friends. Many told me that you're no good for me. You're poison. But I ask myself: "If it's poison, why do you keep drinking it?" Suicidal. I should let go of you and be my own hero. I need to save myself. I have to be sincere because Allah is the bless of all planners. If this is meant to be, maybe one day you and I would cross paths.

You came back into my life a few days ago and I fall again. You told me you missed me so much and then you said "Love you" which I hadn't heard or seen for months. Why? To be honest, I miss you and I want to be in your arms again. I want to lie my head on your shoulders, bury my face in your chest and just embrace you and never let go. I miss you so much, Najib.

Hello to those who still drop by once in a while.. (well I kinda doubt that)



Maybe I have lost what it feels like to be happy and carefree. I'm not saying I'm unhappy but I feel so much emotions now from being totally ecstatic to depressingly sad that I begin to think that this will take more than just a brief understanding of my life - you need to take a walk in my shoes to totally feel me.

There are nights I can't put myself to sleep because I've been thinking of things that I shouldn't. I've been, a lot of times, a pessimist that it became very difficult to think in a positive perspective. And I've been selfish all my life that I don't even try to see things, well in a different angle but I am trying. I am really trying to understand you, your mind, your belief and your heart.

There are things that really bother me. Sometimes I feel like opening up to you but I'm afraid that I'll hurt you and you'll distant yourself away from me. And on those nights I can't sleep, I cried to myself thinking if I am ever significant to you just as you are to me. There are also nights I am unsure whether I am asleep or even awake because even as my eyes were closed, I still see you, I still feel some kind of melancholy and fear... My heart feels cold and I need you to help me turn things around. Bleah..I shouldn't have hoped for too much. I should have guarded my heart so well so I wouldn't fall for you and the worst thing is, I did and maybe I loved you a little too much now I begin to sacrifice my feelings.

I will wait for the time when you begin to realize that I am almost everything you need to feel happy, loved and cared for. I won't give up on you because I know how it feels like having someone giving up on me. Three words, eight letters say it and I'm yours.

And Dear Allah, grant me all the patience I need, bring me closer to you and instill forgiveness in me so I could forgive the people who have hurt me, intentionally or not.

I haven't been updating for awhile now but I have news to share. I'm currently dating someone and it feels good to have company other than my usual group of friends (mostly are of the same gender as me). It's not very usual for me to date because I haven't since my ex left 3 years ago. And of course, right before N (guy I'm currently dating), I have dated another guy, F but things don't really work out. 

I feel comfortable with N and I know I may already have developed some feelings for him and honestly I feel afraid - afraid that history would repeat with the new guy, which I really hope will not. N has been a great company till this day but all I need now is someone to show me that he is worthy of my time and feelings. We did go out on a couple of dates and we met very often, but I just need him to show me a little more. Not many (or even no one) actually knows we're dating cause we kept our private lives offline. All I want is him to feel proud to have me by his side.

Because honestly, I am tired of being just somebody's supper buddy/date/friend with benefits(??). I don't want to be anyone's filler only when they are lonely. I want someone to actually want me, need me, and is afraid to lose me to someone else. I just want true and sincere love.

Who wouldn't want that?

BI POLAR??

I met a guy recently and I can't deny that he is rather a nice person tbf. We got along pretty well but what are relationships without any disputes. No, I didn't mean the BGR kinda relationship, I meant relationships in GENERAL i.e. friendships, kinship and the sort. I knew him for about 2 months now and i know 2 months is not sufficient to know a person inside out let alone a number of years. Even if you have lived with someone for 10-20 years, chances are, there are still certain things about that person that are kept in the shade.

Cut to the chase, there were some arguments since the past 2 weeks or so. I'm just guessing there isn't enough comprehension between us. Some things I meant as jokes would tick him off, sending him fuming away. Idrk if my jokes were harsh, maybe it wasn't but he took it pretty seriously? Maybe it was harsh and I do not know because there were no answers when questioned. 

He is definitely a nice person and I'm saying this twice. I enjoy talking to him. We've had a couple of phone calls and sometimes he'd be very sweet, which is very unlikely of him. I have to agree it was nice but every so often, it feels weird. Weird kind of nice. The conversation would go very smoothly not until the word "goodbye" surface. 

About an hour ago, we had a normal phone conversation. From the way he sounded, I knew he was half-awake. It started off nicely until 'Goodbye' came to light. At first we were laughing about it. I assume he was playful and it was meant to be a joke. He said "okay bye" and I replied "haha bye" "confirm goodbye?" "goodbye forever, no?" - somewhere along those lines. You know it's those familiar cheesy goodbyes that we don't mean at all. We finally hang up, and I still think of it as a nice, playful conversation until a text came, and the argument happened after.

I'm not blaming him. Maybe it was a scar from the past. And most of the times I blame myself when this happens. Idk maybe I was too ignorant? Maybe I'm numbed and I don't know how to feel/react and right now I feel thrashy, and plagued with guilt. I am glad I didn't let my guard down. Well this is me protecting myself, and also to see whoever is willing to make an effort to know me without tearing these walls apart.

And I don't walk out on anyone, for sure. 

I feel a thousand different emotions right now (a lot of exaggerations there) but honestly i feel all sorts of emotions from happy, sad to being afraid and nervous. School is really over and I am finally graduating with a diploma which I am happy and grateful for. I'll definitely miss the half hour journey to school, the beautiful green and undisturbed scenery along the highway, the naps I took in the bus and of course the 3 years worth of memories in Republic Poly. 

I miss school and my bunch of school friends already :(

Another new chapter will soon begin for me after receiving my diploma on Graduation Ceremony. Adult life, work and pressure. I'm not ready for this.