No more ghost of you

It's been 4 years since the end of our relationship. but we've never really severed ties. You remained a ghost in my life. You were always hovering, watching me journey through life after you. You would, once in a while, check on me. Your family too.

Recently, between march and may, we spent a little more time together, catching up as friends, and you would text me almost every day. In JB, during ramadan, you visited me in my room and you caught me off guard when you kissed my forehead and cheek. I didnt text you days after that incident.

and just a few days ago, you got engaged to your girlfriend in KL which explains why you stopped texting me. and today, I found out that you, on your own accord, removed yourself from all my social media. 

You've finally come to your senses, I believe. You'll no longer be a ghost in my life. Tears were shed but I'm relieved. I think it's okay to grieve for a while now that you're no longer a part of my life.

I wish you the best in life. Hope you'll pray for my happiness  too.

Goodbye Najib.

Haven't written a post in so long. It's been almost a year since my last post and so much has happened, both good and bad and they brought changes in my life. They brought me both happiness and despair; they brought me closer to Allah.

2015 was a fulfilling year, holding so many great and happy memories. I was in love, and I was loved deeply. I traveled to a European continent, I've gotten a beautiful appraisal, I reaped the rewards with the hard work and effort I sowed. Last three-quarters of my 2015, things went a little down the hill. Got into a conflict my best friends and we barely spoke, and more frequent arguments with the person I love most.

It is still too early to sum up my 2016. It was a rough start and in contrast with 2015, I am at my lowest. I feel as though my world is crashing. I was the girl who put up a strong front, who barely cried watching romantic or sad movies, who ignored and shut my ears as my parents gave me a earful or two of nagging, who does not feel any remorse when I sinned but this year changed that. I teared too often, my heart filled with uneasiness, disappointments and sadness. I no longer found peace and comfort though listening to music, to confiding in my friends, to resorting to smoking, I only found peace and comfort when I prayed to Allah. 

Today I found myself crying and sobbing so badly as I sat on my prayer mat. I can't even begin to describe whatever I am feeling right now. I have friends that I can confide in to, but I can't seem to open up to them. It's as though my lips were sealed shut as soon as I tried to tell them about my problems. I am lost right now and my only hope is that Allah will guide me closer to him, that He opens up my heart to prioritize only Him before anything else. In Shaa Allah. Aamiin. 

First of all, it has been almost the fifth day into the new year. So Happy New Year I suppose? Anyway, I wish to unwind significant happenings in the final days of 2014 here for keepsake.

Last December's trip to Bangkok (19 Dec - 22 Dec '14) was unforgettable especially because it was my first time overseas with someone I love outside of my family; my boyfriend. It wasn't just the two of us, we had company to Bangkok as well. We went with Farhana, her elder sister and her cousin, but most of the times we were apart which means that 80% of my stay there was spent with my boyfriend. My parents sent us off and also came to fetch on the day we arrived back home.

2014's trip to Bangkok was my second. My first trip to Bangkok was back in 2013 and it wasn't as amazing as the latter because generally the 2nd half of 2013 was a constant emotional ride for me and I remember half the time during my first trip, I was constantly heartbroken and thinking about that 'pain in the ass' who is now my boyfriend.

2014 was a better and much happier year for me although it shared quite a number of fortunate and unfortunate incidents as well. 2014 was the year that he finally had moved on and made significant progression towards his character and our relationship. So yeah, it was a better year full of ups and downs but what made it so much better because we journeyed through it together.

Us just getting excited before departing to Bangkok from Changi Airport Terminal 1

Along the streets where our humble accommodation was situated, Hope Land Executive Residences. Located just 5 minutes away from Phra Kanong BTS. Love love love this photo although I hate how blossomed I looked.

At Suvarnabhumi Airport, Bangkok just hours before we headed home.


Really want to continue updating but it's already half past midnight on Monday which means I have work later on. Will try to find time to update when I get off work. December hasn't ended at least in not in this blog.

♥ ♥ ♥ Every 15th ♥ ♥ ♥

Four years ago marks the end of my relationship with H. It's true I had troubles getting over him and during that period I became melancholic. I lost hope, didn't think I would get over him but soon enough, the sadness just seemed to fade away and eventually it vanished. I am happy once again. In fact, I was at my happiest, living my life to the fullest, fooling around with the friends I made in poly. I made more friends, got close to this guy, developed feelings for one another but it was not meant to be no matter how hard we try.

Three and a half years later, I met you via social network. You sent me a follow request on Instagram and I accepted at random. Some days later, I found myself commenting on your photo. Perhaps I was bored at that very moment but that was how we started. It was nice getting to know you but I know I wasn't that interested and neither were you. We were too overwhelmed with what we saw - our physiques. The beginning was awful, I felt like I was being toyed with and during that time, my emotions got into a frenzy. I was shaken as soon as I realize how you affect my emotions. I was at my lowest again after all the years, disappointed that I let myself get hurt again. I let my guard down. I wasn't careful enough.

There were many times I got conflicted. I wanted to burn the bridge between you and I but at the same time I was willing to risk getting hurt again. Mad, I am. And the irony: I had faith but never thought you and I would be together. After all the bad that has happened, you and I seemed impossible. However, what I deemed was impossible at that time took place. You and I begin to materialize. I love you.

Hope renewed.

Into our 8 months together

It is amazing what time can do; bringing two people together 

Being plus sized does not score me a lot of dates neither a league of admirers like my lean and slender friends do and of course, this ultimately resulted in the lack of my self esteem and confidence. When it comes to shopping, I find it ridiculous that such tiny clothes are said to be free-sized even when they don't fit my not-so-huge frame. Sometimes, I do find it quite an offense when a sales person immediately pointed to me, a very large piece of clothing when I am quietly browsing in the store. I am a fit between UK12- UK14 (not so large aren't I?).

On another occasion, when I asked my boyfriend his first impression of me, he gave me THAT look - the kind which expresses utter disgust and distaste. Ouch! But of course, in the long run he looked past my physical characteristics and continues to love me which I am grateful for. Sometimes, I wish my boyfriend could gain some mass so he wouldn't look like a twig next to me (yes, he is stick thin).

Anyway, I chanced upon this beautiful plus-sized blogger on Facebook. She really is an inspiration and I hope I can learn to love my body just as much as she loves hers. My aim is not be skinny but beautifully-healthy on the inside and out. In shaa Allah.

Good to read: Rynaque - This is my story....

I want to fall in love with you all over again. Just you and me and our little infinity.

 

 

 

_{everyone knows what falling in love is like but being in love is what people have lost.} 

Salam Ramadhan Mubarak to all Muslims.

It's Sunday again and marks the first day of Ramadhan. The dusk is drawing near and I'm almost at the the completion of my first fast this year. Alhamdulillah for getting another chance to breathe in the air of this Holy month and in shaa Allah, I will try to better myself by performing my prayers more diligently and also disciplining my attitude.

It's my second Ramadhan with Najib and I'm hoping the both of us would turn onto a new leaf together as better individuals. Hopefully, we'll remind each other and bring ourselves closer to Allah. Amin.