FLAWS

I still remembered how Farhan would say this:

 " You = Rare :) "

Frankly, I'm not even worth a rare gem. I have my reasons. Real concrete reasons. I came to realize that the reasons why I got hurt is because I've hurt too many people. And these are the people whom I loved and loved me. I broke too many hearts.

Not realizing my mistakes, my friendship with my best friend in poly went down the drain, my once really happy relationship with HY came crashing like glass that has been tampered with and the distance that grew between me and my dearest aunts. Sometimes, I ridiculously wished that in life there could be play/pause and rewind buttons so that I could turn back time, correct my mistakes and mend the crack in every friendship/relationship. But sadly, these things don't exist. 2010 has provided me with so many wonderful memories and valuable insights. I hope I could be a better person in 2011. Bless me, dear Allah. Amin.

I wish I could pause the moments when there was me and you. I missed you.

Until then

Only a guy with the correct capabilities to love a girl perfectly despite her flaws, that's how she takes the risk and learn to love again.

AS GOOD AS STRANGERS?

1. You broke your promises
2. You left me, all torn and tattered 
3. You deleted me off facebook
4. You deleted me off your life
5. You have her replacing my spot

And the worst thing is, you still matter to me.

thin lining

Boy, as much as I want to hate you, I just couldn't. There'd be one point of time where I'll only see the bad in you, and then I'll keep on swearing all the things that I've never wanted to say at all. But I realized I can't hate you that much. You, for once in my life, made me the most happiest girl in the world. 

"There's a thin lining between hate and love"

Life goes on

Today, I came home to find a little something as a motivation to move on. There, on my bed was a grey hard covered book, filled with scribblings of the different seasons and loads of heart shapes on the front cover. I've seen this book before but haven't read it though. I thought it would never come in handy, but this time it proved me wrong. I began reading it. Little by little.

I realized that I've done far more than enough to make the relationship work again. Unfortunately he doesn't. Well, it's obvious that his love died. So, there's nothing I can do to revive it. Not even a defibrillator would work. I guess it's time to move on.

As the saying goes;

 "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

P.S Thank you Aunt Julsy for this book. I'm sorry for disappointing you. I love you.

My Daddy Is My New Best friend

The night before, I got my Dad questioning as I returned home from school half and hour after midnight. I was rather shocked when he asked "Did you have an argument with the both of your aunts?" I said nothing and brisked to my room where my whole world came crashing down again. How did my Dad got to know about this?

This morning I woke up in tears. The feeling of being so empty and lost haunts me. Even in my sleep. I couldn't seem to rest peacefully yesterday. Every now and then I woke up tearing. This feeling sucks. I knew I lost him, but I do not want to lose anything or anyone anymore. Especially both of my aunts. I grew up in the hands of people I love the most. And I'm aware that I disappointed them in many ways.

This, is in fact the worst break up ever. I got a tiff with my aunts. I did not show up at Granddad's 40th day death ceremony. My family's disappointed with me. I knew Granddad's disappointed too. After all, I was his most doting granddaughter. 

My Dad came into my room when I was deep in my thoughts. He sat on the bed where I was lying. And then, rubbed my hands and told me... 

"My beautiful daughter, I know you're hurt and I don't want to see you like this. I know your boyfriend left you and you're not in good terms with your aunts because of this. I know your aunts may be harsh on you, but just so you know they love you just like both your mum and I do. It's okay to cry. It doesn't make you any weaker. I know my daughter is a very strong girl. I know my daughter can handle this. Remember this, there are many fishes in the ocean. One, is definitely for you. But just not him. I'll become your best friend okay, so you can tell me everything you want to, even if it's about boys. I'll listen."

And with that I burst into tears again as I realized that I still have people who cared about me and is constantly there for me. My Dad. My family and the best circle of friends. I promise I'll be a strong girl. I love you people with the whole of my heart.

p.s I'm sorry my dearest Granddad. You'll always be in my prayers.

my people

I couldn't thank Allah enough for these people that stood by me through the good and bad times. I realized that my family and best friends were the ones who stick through thick and thin with me. They were the ones who laughed at the stupidest of my jokes and would cry with me regardless I'm happy or sad. I appreciate how they were constantly there for me. Motivating, encouraging, loving and keeping the faith in me. I love you people and I can't bear to lose you people. Thanks Allah for the existence of these people in my life.

My New Bestf, Alya

Baby, I'm glad to be able to become friends with Alya. She's a really great friend and I was rather surprise that we could get along very well in a short period of time. We shared the same thing in common; our feelings and problems.

We had almost similar problems. Only that I'm lucky that I still have you while she's living her life in misery. My good friend left her. I can see how great her love is for him. Exactly the same way I felt about you. Even though she may look happy,she may be smiling, but deep inside she's as good as shredded paper. She loved him so much baby. I couldn't stand seeing her living in sadness. Honestly I understand how she felt. It hurts baby. Seriously.

I wished that somehow you guys can be as sensitive as us. Only then you'll know how we feel. How our hearts constantly gets broken. How much love we had for you people. How we constantly tried to battle with our tears. How constantly we tried to think of the positive no matter how hard it is. How insecure we feel. And i hope one day you people will feel what we feel.

Only then, you'll truly appreciate our love for you. Only then you'll know the truth behind the word Love

DEAREST HY

I just want you to know that, I'll always love you.

Leave It To Fate And Destiny?

I had the 'befriending' event earlier in the morning with Bestf. I enjoyed the event with her and some of my Chinese classmates.

After the event, Bestf and I headed to Tamp Mall, with hopes of bumping into you. Whether or not I get to bump into you, I'll just leave it to fate. Maybe we'll get to meet someday?

Honestly, I've never been missing anyone as much as I missed you. And this hurts so badly knowing that you don't really care anymore.

I love you to bits and I really pray for things to work out between us.

It's been raining ever since

It's been quite some time already since I've felt this way - total insecure. I told you how I felt, but you don't really care, I supposed. I thought WE were supposed to share everything - the good and bad, together. No matter how much 'bad' would hurt.

I think you refused to listen to what I wanted to say. That hurts. I know that I am being so much of an irritant to you. Just so you know, I've never wanted to be such a person towards you. I know you don't want me to bring things up. And so do I.  Maybe they're irrelevant to you.

I just want you to know that I missed you. I MISSED US - the old, and very happy us. Even though you may not be perfect, you are always more than enough to make me feel very happy. Your love makes me whole. I'll hold on to your love, because it is what that keeps me breathing and looking forward to live everyday of my life. I love you, no matter what happens. Forever.